Begin Again

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It has been over six months since my last post.

In that time, I have quit my job, gone back to school, started a new business, endured an agonizing back injury, and attended my Nana’s funeral.

I’ve also raised seven healthy goat kids, a bumper crop of ducks and chickens, and bought a pony.

I’ve never been one to sit back and observe.

Adjusting to life on one income has been a lot less terrifying than I was expecting, even with unplanned expenses like a new goat shed, significant vet bills, and months of treatment on my back.

I injured my back in a yoga class, of all things, and the surge of fury I felt when it happened was fascinating to observe through the lens of my fourth yoga class that week. I stayed to the end, and I wonder if it would have been quite so crippling an injury if I had not followed it up by straining my abdominal muscles the next morning, trying to keep my eyes open while sneezing as I turned right at a roundabout.

Either way, with the existing weakness from the disc injury that ended my retail ‘career’, a series of physio visits left me no better off, and I limped into the new year wondering if this was my life now. A strange limbo of being able to stand or lie down, but not sit, limited to car trips of less than 20 minutes, lifting nothing heavier than a cat, and loosening up during the course of the day, only to be woken by pain in the midsummer pre-dawn. I spent the summer in slip-on shoes, watching my toenails grow from a distance, unable to reach down far enough to trim them.

The miracle of Bowen Therapy turned it all around, and we located a muscle deep between my ribcage and pelvis that my body had sidelined. Waking it again meant going through a whole lot more pain, but one morning I woke up and it had all changed. I can reach my feet again, sit in a classroom for a couple of hours, and comfortably travel far enough to visit friends in other parts of the state.

I’ve made hundreds of bars of soap and invented the perfect moisturiser. Family and friends are enjoying my new hair washing soap. My home made herbal balms have healed burns, bruises, muscle soreness and tendon strains, and apparently also the mystery pain in my left ankle. I’ve started attending markets, I can casually process an EFTPOS sale, and I’ve almost got the hang of presenting my products on my table. The wooden chicken that my Nana gave me for Christmas sits on my table at every market. Lately it displays a necklace of home-grown loofahs. At the rate I am going I may break even by the end of the year.

The next phase of the business is to start selling herb plants and develop some more herbal remedies. I’ve got a decent collection of seedlings of plants like mugwort, clary sage, nigella and white sage. I’m working on developing infusions that combine tasty herbs with remedies for anxiety, PMS and respiratory illness. It’s a delicate balance of not claiming that my herbs are capable of curing ailments, while informing consumers of the actions of different plants.

But enough about soap and herbs and sore backs, you’re all here for the goats, aren’t you.

I began with nine newborn kids, snatched at birth, and nine and a half months on I have seven healthy young goats. One little wether went to live with a friend and her menagerie, and I lost my big buck kid, Titan, to a badly broken hind leg. It hasn’t been smooth sailing, with a nasty stomach bug going through them before they were weaned and Peanut costing us a small fortune at the vets with her broken leg, but we’ve got most of them this far in one piece.

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Doe kids: Georgia, Portia (aka Peanut) and Merida.

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Antonio (aka Fat Tony) on the left, Angus the buck in the back, and Duncan in the front.

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Banquo, the runt of the litter, not moving too far from the feeder, just in case I put something in it.

The two goatlings in quarantine, Trinity and Odessa, are both daughters of my foundation buck, Capricorn Cottage Tazzy. These two young does have been bred to Goodness Dutch and should kid around the middle of September. The plan at this stage is to test their colostrum for mycoplasma once they have kidded, as well as attempting to make cheese from their milk. One of the symptoms of the as-yet unconfirmed pathogen was that soft cheese made from milk from infected goats would not achieve the proper texture and would go off very quickly. So testing the ability of their milk to form a proper curd is another way to find out if these girls are clear of disease.

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Goatlings Trinity and Odessa.

The third test will be leaving them with kids to raise. My intention is to snatch raise any doe kids, and hopefully a buck kid from Odessa, and leave them with at least one wether kid each to raise. If these kids do not get sick at 10-14 weeks of age, there is a good chance that the does are not infected. Passing all three tests would satisfy me that they are uninfected and safe to join the others. But even then, I may not get all the results until next Summer. So for now, we wait.

What else? Oh yeah, I bought a pony. It was one of those decisions that had been a long time coming but also happened suddenly. Once my back made it possible to go on long car trips, I was able to once again visit my dear friend and her mother three hours away in the north of the state. And with some help from my friend, I was finally able to process the loss of my two special ponies and face the prospect of moving on from this loss. Next thing I knew, I was signing the transfer papers for a young black New Forest Pony mare, handing over a deposit, and researching possible suitable stallions for her. Meet Bankswood Countess, aka Sticky.

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Sticky.

I’ll go up and work on her handling through the winter and spring, and she will join us here at Elcarim Farm in the summer.

So that’s the edited highlights of my last six months. A few obstacles, a few endings, but also a few new beginnings. Hopefully this is also the beginning of me writing again.

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The Only Way Is Forward

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Tomatoes are late this year. But it’s still Autumn.

So it’s March. March. How did this happen?

Anyway, I am pleased to report that my resolve to not spend another year treading water and being miserable has held and I am Getting Shit Done and Making Progress as fast as our dodgy wireless NBN will let me.

Although I have been slowed down by scheduling clashes with pay day, I have begun taking art classes every second Wednesday. This has been great fun, and rewarding. I have bought some paints and I’ll soon be receiving my grandfather’s pastels (he is going back to focusing on oils), so I’ll be able to do some art at home, but in the classes I have been learning all sorts of tricks and techniques, so I’ll stick with them for a while.

I’ve stuck to my bike riding so far, going out at least four times a week and now doing a 9km circuit. Winter is going to be hard, and fitting in around all the after school stuff is already a challenge, but I hope to keep going and keep improving my fitness. I’ve recently added a weekly yoga class back into the mix, which takes away a bike riding night but definitely has its own benefits that make it worthwhile.

I’m almost half way through the Permaculture Design Course, and so far this has been a real emotional rollercoaster and massive learning experience. Permaculture is a way of life, a sound theory of all things, that aims to create efficient, sustainable ways to satisfy the needs of people, animals and the Earth. Not only have I encountered a hundred tips and ideas for things to do in my home and garden, I have also learned philosophies for a more constructive and authentic inner life and better relationships with others. As a process it has been devastating and enlightening. A restructuring of my priorities and the way I see things. Not to mention an amazing connection with people on a similar journey with similar goals. It has pushed me beyond my comfort zone and along a path that will hopefully take me to a more prominent place with my activism and allow me to do more good both at home and in the world at large.

A course like this was the logical next step in Getting Out Of The House. I have also been doing a few social things and actually looking forward to them and enjoying them. I am generally feeling more grounded, more stable, more supported and better able to cope with the swings and roundabouts of life. I’ve been eating better, sleeping better, drinking more water. As a family we are better organised, sharing the load, and somewhat more relaxed. I might go weeks on end without half an unscheduled day, but I pace myself and take care of the details and it is mostly going pretty well.

So from here I intend to make more regular posts, not random stuff like this but posts with a topic. About the garden and the goats, about the things I learn and try, and how it all fits into the permaculture principles. I have many ideas of things to experiment with, ways to make the garden more productive, ways to make more of an impact on the world around me, and ways to enrich my life and further broaden my horizons.

I’m even actually setting goals. I’ve written down a few goals for the garden and farm for the next six months and I’m in the early stages of planning a particular challenge for the rest of this year and into 2018, which I should be able to announce in a few weeks. In the meantime I am gently ramping up my social media communication and profile in the hope that I can get all of you on board in some small way to support my efforts.

I’ve had a few moments where everything looks scary and like an awful lot of work and I wonder if I really have what it takes to push through that fear and face the experience head-on. Sometimes all that keeps me going is the thought that I would never forgive myself for giving up. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed where everything is safe and familiar and there are no risks. But I know that the only way is forward. So that is where I am going.

 

I’m Not Dead

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I haven’t made a post in nearly three months, I think the pressure of my 100th post bearing down on me (this is #99) made me feel like nothing was worthy or significant enough to write about so I just… didn’t.

So now it is January 1, 2017 and I’m going to come out and say that it feels like last year I achieved absolutely nothing.

Perhaps things were quietly processing in my mind, perhaps I was just healing and living and feeling, and to be honest a lot of the time just doing that was hugely taxing.

First we had the big dry, where the paddock was reduced to nothing but dust and crumbs and the grain feeder became a literal lifesaver, allowing my goats to eat enough to keep their body condition, milk and get in kid without any grain-induced illness.

Then came the big wet, which progressed into the wettest September ever. Rain, rain and more rain. Everything waterlogged, it was horrendous in its own way. Then came a horror kidding season, characterised by vet visits, dead kids, sick does and more rain.

Come October it felt like the whole year had been one big stressy mess, I went through a few cycles of depression and felt like I just couldn’t get my feet under me. At work I had some issues that just went on and on and drove me to despair in spite of all my efforts to resolve them.

I tried to get my shit together by attempting to lock down my feelings, shut them off, be cold and dead inside. I spent as much time alone as possible, did as little as possible, but the problem with trying to tie down what is going on inside you is that it fights back even stronger the second it gets an opportunity.

There were times when I raged and howled, times when I thought I could not go on, times when I thought this was all life had in store for me until the end, and I wasn’t sure I could push through it.

And then at some point the noise stopped. I took my hands off my ears and realised it had been coming from inside my self. And the force behind it seemed to have finally run out of energy.

There was, for the first time in a long time, a faint fragment of peace inside me.

It wasn’t all uphill from there. It never is. As a ‘do something, do anything!’ kind of person, who is unable to do nothing, sometimes I charged ahead in the wrong direction. But gradually I have got somewhere, found something to aim for. I have started putting one foot in front of the other in a meaningful fashion.

So what does this mean for 2017?

Well, I’ve enrolled in a permaculture design course, being run over several weekends. My hope is that this will give me some direction in how to make my garden more productive and more organised and reinvigorate my environmental and sustainability interests. I also hope it will reconnect me with fellow permaculture enthusiasts in my local area in a social sense and make me feel like part of a community.

I got a bike for Christmas. Actually, being a grown-up I got it on December 21st. I’ve set the goal of riding at least four times a week (so far I have managed five times) for as long as I can. I’ve got a bit addicted to Google Fit, tracking my ‘workouts’ and constantly trying for new personal bests. I’ve finally found a form of exercise that is quick and cheap and doesn’t cause me injuries or push my heart rate to risky levels. I kind of enjoy it too.

Soon there will be some major changes in the goat paddocks, with the goal of eradicating the CLA bacteria (cheesy gland/infectious abscesses) that has plagued my herd for the past few years. Some goats will be put down. Some will be put into permanent quarantine. But my goal is to have my main herd CLA free within the next few weeks. This will alter the way I select which stock to keep for breeding and which to sell. It will mean losing some old favourites, but will hopefully save my future milkers and their offspring.

So those are a few things that I’ll be getting up to. I still don’t have any long-term goals and for the most part I don’t know where this year will take me. But I’ve made myself a few personal promises and I don’t want to waste another year tormenting myself and going around in circles. I intend to embrace my spiritual side again, to meditate and get back into yoga. I won’t be spending my whole time running around after others to the point where I have no time scheduled for myself. I may get into painting, like I have been wanting to for ages, but I would like to take lessons first rather than just jumping in. I just want to try some things and see where it takes me.

I intend to be kinder to myself, to do things I enjoy. Maybe I’ll take this year to consolidate the healing process and set myself up for the future. Maybe something big will come up to challenge me. But the worst is behind me. I must step forward with confidence.

Resolution

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Things haven’t been easy for me over the years, and it feels strange to say that. In a lot of ways I have been very lucky, but in other ways not so much.

So as I step forward out of 2015 and into 2016 feeling like I have finally stepped up off the bottom rung of the great long ladder that is Getting My Shit Together, I am well aware that things are as good for me now as they have ever been. It has been a year of struggling to make sense of things, coming to terms with my past, and discovering myself. Of trying on ideas and questioning my beliefs. Of finding my niche and gathering the crumbs of my confidence.

I’m still a cynic deep down, and pessimism is the scar left by too many unpleasant surprises. I believe that if you don’t set your own challenges, life will come up with challenges for you and you might not like them. With that in mind, I decided not to choose between a self-improvement goal and a social awareness project in 2016, but to do both.

For various reasons, exercise is a trial for many of us. Some find it hard to make time. Some find it difficult or unpleasant on a physical level. But deep down I think we all wish we did a bit more of it. I know that exercise is a big part of the healthy mind, healthy body equation, but actually doing it has been a bit of a stumbling block.

The way I see it, I find time to do all sorts of things other people don’t do that I don’t consider to be ‘optional’. Getting up and milking every morning takes an hour and is not optional. Doing the bread at least every week and a half, even though I could just buy bread, is not optional – the sourdough starter dies if you leave it too long. Making cheese when the milk jar fills up is not optional, and that can take hours. Feeding the family is not optional and takes planning and time. So what I need to do is make exercise essential, rather than optional.

Just 15 minutes a day, even if it is a brisk walk to the end of the road and back. But it has to be every day, unless I am sick or injured. And it is no longer optional. If I can find time for everything else, I can find time to exercise.

I’ve set exercise goals before, many times. I hope that this time I have found a mind trick to head off the old ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ attitude that turns into not doing it for four months because it’s cold outside and I can’t be bothered. It will take some discipline, but hopefully it will also be good for me. I guess we will find out.

My other goal is to reduce the amount of rubbish our household produces, specifically food packaging. I cringe every time I put a meat tray or muesli packet in the bin. I see all the bits of plastic that come off an average dinner, and I know it needs to change. Recycling and composting can only go so far.

Members of the local permaculture group have put me onto some great resources for buying in bulk and making re-usable produce bags, but the main thing is going to be getting organised. Relying as much as possible on home-grown food with no packaging and no food miles will be part of the challenge, but a big factor will be not falling into the trap of one-stop shopping at the supermarket. It’s kind of a nuisance that my preferred butcher is closed for making smallgoods on my day off, but I can still drop in there any other afternoon on my way home from work. There are a few local food co-ops and outlets that sell in bulk, as well as farmers markets and food swaps.

Being organised, planning ahead and knowing that I can’t just duck out and pick up the thing I forgot for tonight’s quick dinner will be the key. Along with reducing waste, the whole project should lead to the family eating more locally produced and unprocessed foods. There will be some things we might need to give up, but these are things we don’t really need.

We don’t know what the future holds, and every year brings its own surprises and challenges. What we can do is set our intention and focus on something positive. This may end up being the thing that centres us through difficult times, or it may be what guides us to something amazing we hadn’t thought of.

Step boldly into 2016, my dear readers, and whatever you plan to do, believe in your goal, set yourself up to succeed and make it count.